Regulation Is a Relationship, Not a Destination

For a long time, I believed regulation was something I needed to reach: A calm nervous system, a steady inner state, a feeling that I was finally “doing it right”, the feeling that I was liked by all.

But life, and the ocean taught me otherwise.

If you have ever stood at the edge of the sea, you already know this: The water is never still for long. Waves rise, crash, settle, and move again. Our nervous system works the same way - by design, it was never meant to be in a state of constant calm. It was designed to respond, adapt, and stay in relationship with the world around it.

Regulation is not the absence of activation - it is the ability to move through activation with support.

The Myth of Constant Calm

Somewhere along the way being “regulated” became confused with being peaceful, quiet, and unaffected. But real regulation includes excitement, grief, anger, joy, fear, pleasure, and rest. It includes moments of ease and the moments of overwhelm.

A regulated system is not one that avoids the waves of life - it is one that knows how to return to itself afterward.

This is why regulation cannot be forced. You cannot shame your body into safety. You cannot think your way into calm. And you cannot rush a nervous system that learned how to survive through real experience.

Regulation grows through relationship.Relationship with breath.Relationship with the body.Relationship with boundaries.Relationship with nature.Relationship with people who feel safe.

Like any relationship, it takes time, consistency, and care.

Nature as a Co-Regulator

This is one of the reasons I trust nature so deeply as a teacher, and the reason why I feel I was guided to live in Costa Rica - a country I love dearly.

The ocean does not ask you to be calm. It meets you exactly where you are. The rhythm of waves, the sound of wind, the feeling of sand beneath your feet all offer quiet reminders that you belong.  This was a big one for me, as this is the first place I ever felt like I belonged.

When we allow ourselves to be held by something larger than our thoughts, the nervous system begins to soften on its own. Not because we commanded it to, but because it felt safe enough to do so.

Healing Is a Conversation

Healing does not move in straight lines.

Some days regulation feels close. Breath flows easily. The body responds. Presence comes without effort.  Other days it feels distant, messy, or out of reach. That does not mean anything is wrong - it means you are alive and paying attention.

Healing is a conversation between your past and your present. Between protection and permission. Between what once kept you safe and what is now asking to be felt. Each time you respond with kindness instead of pressure, the relationship deepens. Each pause builds trust. Each moment of listening reminds the body it no longer has to work so hard to be heard.

What Regulation Actually Looks Like

Sometimes regulation looks like movement.

Sometimes it looks like stillness.

Sometimes it looks like tears.

Sometimes it looks like laughter.

Sometimes it looks like a clear no.

Sometimes it is a trusted conversation.

Somethings it’s a hug from a loved one.

Sometimes it’s dancing on a table with your fave wildcats!

And sometimes it looks like standing in the middle of a wave, breathing, and remembering that this moment will pass. Because it always does.

An Ongoing Practice

Regulation is not a place you arrive at and stay forever. It is a living relationship that evolves as you do. You do not need to master it. You do not need to get it right.

You only need to keep returning. Wave by wave. Breath by breath. Moment by moment.